(downward facing dog x3 - unprompted. hubs in background doing dishes - also unpromted)
i have slept for 3 hours in a row - and i am feeling more healthy mentally than i have this past week or so, so please accept my apologies for the previous whine session, but honestly, when your children don't sleep, and mine do not, you reach a breaking point. this week was mine.
i am not making excuses, well, maybe i am, but sleeplessness really makes everything in this little world of ours over here seem like a HUGE disaster. unfortunately hubs and the beans usually get the brunt of my crankiness, but yesterday a man at the grocery store also received his share - it is debatable that he deserved it, or something, but perhaps i could have handled it better on more sleep. i am not proud - just sleep deprived. SO, after losing my cool on this man, driving home and cursing him out at the top of my lungs - (children at home with hubs, not in the car )- i realized in fact, i may be overtired. really overtired. and while he was a jack ass for sure, it was not worth it. i mean really. i lost my cool on a stranger. unreal. but it felt good, to speak my mind, to not let him say such rude things, and to tell him off - to say the things that you just think in your head. but it was the wrong thing to do. i felt crazy. what was happening to me.
that being said, i came home, laughed with hubs about the unfortunate grocery store happenings, made the fam a tasty nourishing meal, put the children to bed, did NOT pick up the house, the laundry, the dishes, in fact did nothing. sat my butt down on the couch, drank tea, knitted for hours, and watched a thoughtless movie that made me laugh lots and think less. it was exactly what i needed. it was time to reflect on what's been going on.
while i sat and neglected the house, and the things that needed doing, i realized that i am happy. i am lucky. so lucky. i am in love. in love with my children. in love with my husband. in love with my family. i am blessed. i am loved. i am content. and all this nonsense, this chaos, my behavior, this overwhelming frustration - was all sheerly based on the fact that i have not slept. not for 5 years really.
so, not willing to let a little lack of sleep take over my world. i went to bed, and made a vow to start fresh in the am. and to my delight, the children slept. t got up at 6:00 this morning. M got up at 6:30. Benji woke only 2 times to nurse in the night, not 5.
it is all relative. my bad energy was throwing my children out of whack. we all woke refreshed. i came downstairs and picked up, did the dishes, swept the floor put away the toys, did all the things that needed doing. we ate breakfast, we laughed, we talked, M practiced his L sounds by running in and yelling,
"MOMMY - I am LLLLLLLucky to have all theses toys."
I smiled, and thought, your right baby, you are lucky, but so am I, so lucky.
so in the spirit of starting fresh, there will be no more taking for granted. we have smiled and hugged and loved each other all more this morning than we have all week. there has been only talking and no yelling. there have been no time outs, only cuddles and proud little faces. i know it is not going to be all shiny and happy all day, but it is going to work. we are going to be fine, and good in fact. things are falling back into their places.
the important thing that i have focused on and will be mindful of from this point on, is that our children are a reflection of us. they are like little sponges, absorbing all the good, and all the bad. when i am a mess, my children are a mess. how utterly unfair to those little beans. we will remedy this little guys, we will beat this. i promise you. to my children : NAMASTE - the spirit in me honors and respects the spirit within you.
