Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Dear Little Big Man,
I am about to go and wake you up and get you ready for your first big day out there without mum. I am so nervous and excited for you all at once. Kindergarten. WOW. I cannot believe this is even happening. I have so many hopes and dreams for you, and i am so hoping that you love school and that this is a wonderful experience.
I am going to restrain myself today from being the mom that follows the bus waving frantically, and though i will probably shed a few tears today, it is because i am so sad that our home days are over, but it is time for you to go out into the world...and make trouble somewhere else. I hope that all the children are kind, and know always we love you SOOOO much.
I will apologize now for not allowing you to wear you tie today. I know you really want to, but i am afraid that some fifth grader will make you feel like this is uncool , or choke you with it, and i love this quirk about you so much, that you are going to have to trust me when i tell you that they don't wear ties at school. If when you are in 8th grade you still want to wear this tie, i promise i will give you the go ahead.
i love you biggest bean, good luck today.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
this is where i find him every morning after breakfast.
so, today i followed the morning routine, and "tracked" him, to see WHAT HIS DEAL IS.
so, my findings...
this is what happens every morning when i tell the other two it is time to brush their teeth.
this is also the reason i have not been able to post.
really hoping the baby sitters can hack it when i go back to work.
things are insane here. starting next week, my head may actually explode. i go back to work on monday(for the first time in almost 2 years)M starts kindergarten on wed. and t starts school the following thursday. rehearsal dinner friday, sister getting married saturday....and, and, and.
plus, add benji to the mix...yes, my head will definitely explode...
it is amazing. the whole world works. i am going back to work for 2 and a half days, yes people...it's like 12 days a month. and i think the WHOLE WORLD is going to STOP functioning properly. amazing. i probably just need to get over myself, and let things fall into place...but i am so so overwhelmed.
amidst the chaos and whirlwinds of the household, i am trying desperately to enjoy every moment of sunshine, every little conversation and thought, and every hour of each day.
last night, after baths, while i was brushing t's hair, this conversation took place:
me: "t. are you excited that you get to be in auntie chelsea's wedding soon?"
t: (jumping and pointing at the sky)" yesssss i am, i am a flowahh gale"
me: "do you know what your job is as a FLOWER GIRL?"
t: "yesssss, i am gonna walk down the aisle and carry flowahs, then when i get to auntie chelsea, i am gonna throw them at her. "
excellent. this is going to be a BLAST.
miss you all, and thanks so much for all your kindness, after the passing of my grams...
Saturday, August 09, 2008
(my grams, bertha spector - the most recent pic i have seen.)
i lost you today.
the sadness is coming in waves...
i am desperately trying to keep my head on straight and let things sink in. i do okay for a minute here or there, but when i need to say out loud that your gone...well, that is a whole different ball game.
you were such am amazing woman. i just cannot even formulate my thoughts. there is sadness, anger, grief, and overall relief that your suffering is over...and mixed in, there is a whole lot of raw emotion...that i just don't know what to do with. right now i just feel blah. all day your amazing laugh has been echoing in my mind, the jingle of your silver alert bracelet and all your little mannerisms.
though i do not know where my mind will run to today and everyday with out you after this, i know that you loved this blog so much because of the pics of the kiddos and the updates and stories...so here is where i have turned...to think, about you.
Myles played with his Hess truck all day yesterday...and i gave him your special kisses just as you requested. I know he will remember you so vividly as he grows, as i was almost exactly his age when poppy died. i passed along kisses to all your "babies," this afternoon, as i told them of your passing...Myles says you were a special lady. i couldn't agree more. i promise to keep kissing these babies for you, for a long time to come.
thank you so much for spending time with me this week. i know it was hard. for letting me look into your eyes...for smirking a bit when it was probably near impossible to do. thank you for everything. always.
though i knew, we all knew, this was coming. i cannot believe that you are gone. i miss you. i love you.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
i. am. overwhelmed.
i am filled full of good things, like beautiful moments of reconnecting with some of my sweetest and nearest and dearest sister mama friends, love-ins all around, yummy food with the worlds best hummus and more, growing bellies, (and shrinking ones too:)) and all that good stuff. girls day centers me, puts me at peace. fills me up till i am spilling over with everything being just right. at dinner after girls day hubs said over a glass of wine,
"So, how was your visit with your soul sisters?"
all i could say was "perfect." it was exactly as i had hoped, and always is.
(mini al and mini nins....chillin' and spreading the lovins)
please check out the hand on the knee. unreal.
5 0f the 7.5 dearies...
two lil guys hangin' on the steps...
but, besides the good, there is so much more going on here. i am completely overwhelmed. with kindergarten madness, preschool starts, back to work jitters, wedding stuffs, and a very sick gram, who is fighting so hard to hang on and suffering so damn much.
life feels to be a bit of a whirlwind right now. all this good, all this chaos, and all this just plain not fairness....makes my head spin a bit.
feeling the need to be re-centered. just not sure how to stay there. any ideas?