struggling here today folks. looking for some answers, some BLINDING flash of the obvious to direct me, or maybe even some kind words of advice to help guide me. Ultimately my decision, but I am so torn. Many of you know that I am on unpaid leave from my job teaching art part-time. I teach two and half days a week. K-5. I love my job, love the folks I work with, love the school, and most all of the students as well. So I am on extended leave until Sept. at which point I go back, or stay home with my beans. Now if this were the only part of the issue, stay or go, it would be a no brainer. I LOVE staying home with the beans. I love being a stay at home mom. Love taking on the responsibilities. But as a result of my being home, hubs works, ALOT. He pulls doubles all the time, he takes it on in a great way, never complains...does the very best he can to provide for our family, but it is worlds of stress. It is hard to make the mortgage payments on time. Hard to fill the cart full of organic goodness and then charge away like it doesn't hurt. Hard to keep up with the bills, and the world. Also know that I am not in any way judging you working mamas. AT all.
It is so hard to know what is the right choice for everyone. My going back would give bry more time home. It would take some of the financial stresses off. Not all, but some. It would give me the ability to help some with the finances. Though on the flip side - I will not be able to be home getting dinner ready, grocery shopping whenever we need it, sitting up all night while the kids are sick and not worrying because we don't HAVE to go anywhere the next day, being on board of the pre-school, making tie-dyes with the kids in the spring sunshine any day that we wish, or can I? can I do it all and still make it work? Can I bear to be away from the beans?
So to go back or not. I just don't know where I stand. I am on zero sleep, so I know making a decision now wouldn't be a wise thing. The beans have been hacking and coughing away for a week, and all I want is for them to feel better. It is also the Christmas season, which I don't love based on the fact that I seem to find myself amongst materialism and consumerist HELL all to often, I would like NOTHING MORE than to have a homemade handmade holiday season, but some of the folks in my life would SO not be on board with that. Typically I get a little tough to take between the day after Thanksgiving (which I think is the epitome of everything that is wonderful in this world,) and New Years - which signifies that Christmas chaos is over.
Anyhow. I am filled to capacity with issues today. some I can chat and vent about, others not so much, and a good night out with hubs over dinner and chats followed by a restful evening of HEALTHY kidlets snuggled tightly in their beds would do me a world of good. We will get there. We will.
M asked me today if I was retired. and T told him to "sut up" - and I thought hmmm....maybe it's time to make a decision. I just want to be the very best mom that I can, the very best wife that I can, and I want to help them be the best that they can be....
sorry to carry on...just so on the fence today. about everything.
