:: on channeling...duality....snowishness....and pee....

me - hey guys, wanna go play in the snow???

2 beans - YEAHHHHH! (all while running and screaming around the house...)
benji.....eh.

me - c'mon benj....let get suited up and go sled. benj - eh.

2 beans - yeahhhhhhhh!

me - awhhh benj...you are a beach bum like your mama huh? (sighing - SO PROUD)

benj - no mommy...i am a house bum....i wanna stay here. IN OUR HOUSE - it is COLD MOMMY we will be SO FREEZING if we go to da beach, right mommy?!?
*sigh*....yep. right on mr. literal. we will.

we are surfing the post holiday crash here.

which luckily snagged a slammin' blizzard right on its tail, so we have been snowed in and making due....it's kinda nice to not have anywhere we HAVE to be...or anything we HAVE to do...


so, we are playing in the snow...building forts...crying about our cold fingers....rockin out to jack johnson, and a boat load of billy joel...(because he's one of my go-to men...) devouring hot cocoa with marshmallows spilling over the top...cleaning house....decluttering....detoxing...de-whatevering we have to do....to make it all work...








this weekend has been about duality for me, about putting out and channeling my inner goddess...and it turns out, she rocks a whole lot more than i thought she did....

hubs was on snow duty and i have been flying solo with the beans...i was nervous...bout being alone...i do welcome the solo time, don't get me wrong...but, i also like my man takin care of me...doing the man thang all up in this house...


but turns out...when it comes down to it...i kinda dig the whole kickin' ass and takin' names gig.

hubs usually has a to do list to last a lifetime...and i usually "wo"man my post, with the beans, and the shopping, and the cooking, and and and. so, i added a "take down the damn xmas tree," and fix the closet, and and and....before he zipped on outta here to go plow...36 hours ago...

so, while the beans were eating dinner last night, and i was contemplating vacuuming those freakin' needles off that rug for the gazillionth time...i thought, what the hell. why can't I just do it? why cant i take down the tree....so, i did. it was inefficient, it was messy, (really messy) i looked like i got beat by a little man wielding a sap stick...., there were branches everywhere, and i will probably be pickin' pine needles out of my bra for the next 3 days, but I did it. MYSELF. and it felt good....and the beans were impressed...which kinda rocked...but also made me think...

about the way our actions speak louder than our words....

about how i can tell these beans that they can do anything they set their hearts to till i am blue in the face....but i do a lot of honey-do listin' up in this house.

so today, we put that to bed. we got up and we channeled....we channeled our best selves...for me...thats about letting that goddess woman climb out and rock herself all over this house...its about yoga pants and summer skirts, and ridonculous outfits that make me smile and dont make ANY sense....its about makin' chili for the masses, its about breakfast burritos and red wine for dinner, its about giant pots of coffee and peppermint bark for breakfast, its about keeping the fire stocked up and going...without asking for help...its about teaching these kids to stand up get it DONE.




its about breathing and smiling, while the wind is nipping at our cheeks...its about the dull ache between my shoulder blades
while i am shoveling the snow so hubs come home later and not have to do it.....











its about OWNING my duality...and smiling on the inside....


not just on the outside.....who knew...

its about standing strong solo style...rockin it, and then about folding into the big mans arms when he walks through the door....making house...HOME.


***as for the pee....well....i just feel like there is always somebody peeing somewhere, or on something, or in something that they shouldn't be....yesterday, i squatted - yep. in my own house, because i swear i had already wiped the seat 700 times...and i was damned if i was gonna do it again...but turns out, i ended up wiping the seat off before i left the bathroom, cuz...honestly...what choice do i have... so, for good measure....pee.

happy happy

sending big love your way....

























and reindeer wishes....















....and joy filled faces...














......and sugary kisses









.....and hearts swelling all up with goodz and shit all around you....

as always...*a

uhm....yeah.

i would like to make a list. a list with #348 things on it to tell you where we are at over here in critton-ville.

but i cant.

so instead....this pic.

because i think it says it all....

in three little faces. how i feel...there is the chaos.......there is acceptance of the chaos...the rose colored glasses that enable us to see what we wanna...and there is benji....B-E-N-J-I....who just believes the only way to make it better than it already is, is to squeeze it as hard as he can till he has captured all the lovins...

*sigh*....i stinkin' love these beans.

round up...a little late...

hi.

i am at a loss for words here.

i know.  SO.NOT.LIKE.ME.

but really.  

i blinked, and fall was gone....

the world just seems to be spinning by a billion miles an hour, and every time i turn around, these kids are bigger, and another month has gone by, more teeth have fallen out, this one can read and that one can write and and and and i have no idea how to make it slow down.  so, i have chosen to tune out a little.  i have been neglecting my blogishness, i have been crafting, and printing, and cooking, and carving, and loving up on these beans and the Mr. and all of his hard work that makes this house a home......

our days have been kinda full - family  dinners full, playdate full, good peeps full...the kinda full,  that you get in bed and fall asleep and when you open your eyes it is simply not possible that it is already morning....

these days, i find myself staring into my morning coffee and just marveling in the moment, the quiet of my cappuccino while the world rushes all around me....and other times my eyes are caught up in the excitement of it ALL....and the comfort of familiarity mixed all up and intertwined with the newness of everyday....and loving it ALL, as always....

we put up our funky little tree yesterday...and i was so teary just looking at the years of collected treasures hanging on the tree, the handmade homespun years....it is just SO fast...wasn't it just last year we were walking through the woods, crazy teenagers in love??

but i guess that is how life moves, in fast forward...i need to slow things down....but i am all tangled up in trying to figure out how to do that. so, i want to know/need to know....what do y'all do to slow down your days.....do tell....

somedayz

i just need to interrupt this very productive-housewife-ish style day to say,

that waking up to "mmmmmoooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmyyyyyyyy i neeeeeeeedddddd youuuuuuu tooooo wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipe my bummmmmmmmmmmmm," at 4:45....is KIND OF charming....

but when your husband rolls over and says..."i got this..."

it.is.even.better.

mad brownie points pal.  i promise.

on the brain....

saturday night.  i am home.  chaos is ensuing all around me, the beans are making lists and lists and more lists as all these stinking catalogues roll in for the holiday season,  and i am sitting here with my coffee, and pondering a venture.....

i have a friend from college...a hugely talented and beautiful woman named Natalia, who has written a cookbook...a RAW cookbook.  Thats right people....a no cook - cookbook...i know right?  

i have always been intrigued by people who can pull this off, not only because it sounds reeeeeaaalllllyyy hard, but also, because these people freakin' glow.  seriously.  their skin is flawless, and radiant, their hair looks amazing, and they just LOOK healthier than everyone else....and well, i guess i am thinkin' they must be on to SOMETHING....

BUT...

yup, there is a BUT...here is the thing....

i LOVE, not like, LOVE, to feed and nourish and COOK for people.  i love to spend an afternoon making a big pot of chili...or soup, or lasagna, and i like to share it with people. i really really do.  like share share...like bring it to work and share.  

i swear in my past life i was somebody's little italian grandma who just cooked and cooked and cooked all day.  i have been like this as long as i can remember...i used to hole up in the apartment with my roomies when i was in college and bake apple pies...lots of 'em so we could share.... and, well, i am kind of addicted to that feeling...that sharing homecooked goodness feeling.  i think it actually may be a deep seeded root of who i am...like my religeon-ish...huh. 

so, here in lies the problem....could this work for ME?? i honestly have NO idea... 

so, what to do....i am committed to at least checking it out, so i have been really thinking about what i NEED from food.  and i started to think about me, and my body, and how i feel SO much better in the summer months, as i think most of us do, because we are consuming so much good fresh produce....and how if i was gonna do this...summer would probably be a far better time then fall....which is my nesting time....but i digress....

AND,  i am not willing to be that closed minded a person...i won't do it...i figure there is no harm in just checking things out... just testing the water a touch...

supplementing what i would say is my mostly "pure" way of eating... 

maybe have a detox-ish....and eat raw for a bit...

which brings me to tonight...(the folks owning a health food store helps) i popped on over to NG and grabbed a mess of ingredients for my girl Natalia's sunny hummus - which by the way, i haven't been able to eat for TWO YEARS because i am not tolerant of chick peas unfortunately...*hummus is one of my MOST favorite foods*  let me tell you...

I -COULD-CRY.  not only is it AMAZING....it is raw, and dreamy and soooooo freakin' easy.  i added some olives and extra garlic, and i am one happy mama over here....

so...while i am hugely undecided if i could jump in and go for it...i am very much inspired and really want to TRY this....i have been browsing  the web for tips and tricks and such, and while i am still far from convinced that i could pull this off, i really want to  check it out...and the way i see it...25% raw, is still 25%...and that my friends, is a start, right?

go, no, RUN, and check out this cookbook peeps, it is really a rockin' good time...the images are gorgeous, and inspiring, and really just make me want to totally immerse myself in RAWNESS....she offers this as an e-book type deal as well, which is pretty awesome...though i am wishing i had a hard copy of it to pour through and soak up in right now because it is just THAT GOOD.  

i will keep y'all posted....

october lovins....

i am all 

sniffles and sneezes and snot today, so i thought maybe it would be a good time to sit down with a hot cup of coffee and daydream about all the goodz....while i listen to all the beanies and their daddy yell at the tv in the other room...which is also kinda funny....

fall is all encompassing in these here parts, and i cannot even pull the words to tell  you how lovely things have been 'round here.  

the trees are changing and these beans are just loving up on all of it....and me, well, i guess i am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  i feel like life in general is just a giant whirlwind right now....

sure there are some downs...everybody has 'em,  but right now, i feel like i am rockin a wicked *yes, wicked...i know, so early nineties new england...but yes, a wicked case of perma-grin.  things are just SO.  seems like it all comes out in the wash, and everyday is just a rockin good time....EVEN if it sucks big....we are ridin' those waves too.

which brings me to today -  halloween.  i have been listening to a chorus of "when are we leaving" - "is it time yet" -"can we go now" and "can i have just ONE more" FOR HOURS.....my head may explode soon... (the last one was bry)

and i know halloween is an absolute favorite for lots of kids... but, my little man has, NO JOKE - been in some form of a costume, since JULY NINTH.  so we knew today was gonna be one of those days, where you kinda have to look the other way and chalk it up to it not being the days we would be winning any parenting awards....

we woke up to CRAZED beans, i think there was some chocolate at the breakfast table!! , these kids were FULLY in costume by 6 o'clock, and all ready to rock out (though benji REFUSED to believe that today was actually THE DAY....) and  we later overheard t explaining to the little bean that under NO circumstance do you go trick or treating without your underwear on....and i had to smile....because at that point, i figured at least one of these kids will make it outta here with some barings....(possibly two - if he decides to listen to her instead of us )

off to figure out what i will use for leverage now that halloween is almost gone....hmmmm......

hope you are all marinating in your own fall goodness....we certainly are.....

okay folks.  this is gonna be long-ish, and semi incoherent, possibley disjointed...and so much more...

BUT, hear this.  OH WELL....

ready - 

*it - is - here -folks....

happy fall...

as requested, the official countdown IS ON...., wait for it - okay there are officially, as of this moment,  exactly 57 days until thanksgiving....which makes me SMILE.  

it is not quite here, which gives us plenty of time to plan, BUT, it is less than 60 days away...and well.....what can i say, love my turkey day peeps...and the mere thought of a whole weekend of thanksgiving goodness being so stinking close makes it a little bit easier to get through the tae kwon do 3 NIGHTS a week, and the dance carpool, and the birthday parties, and and and....not that i don't cherish every moment, but i have learned that you can cherish something, and not actually ENJOY it.  

life is a bit chaotic here, and i find myself choking a bit when i sit down to write....

sure there are a billion things these kidlets do every day that i COULD blog about ~

but some of them i just wanna hold close to my heart and treasure right now, like no matter how much they bicker during the day, they always tell each other goodnight and i love you, 

and the way benji begs the kids to kiss him goodbye before they leave for school, 

and how i overhear tj explaining to benji that she is "a ma-am, NOT a sir," and that she will call him sir if he promises to call her ma'am...

....and how the big guy tries to practice his tae kwon do to impress us, but that i am secretly impressed by the way his giant mind works every day....

and how benji says thank you and his dialect is so precious i could scream...i.e. "thank yous fors mine snack..."  then how he sits back and beams at you with his giant eyes...

but the others, well, it isn't just about drooling and rolling over and saying lovely things and spitting up anymore, it is about what i am doing to RUIN their lives, or how benji will positively die if pa doesn't give him a pickle, or how tj neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeds another pair of shoes, or how because of me, m will be an outcast forever......ahhh....the joys.

fact is, these beans are stinkin' huge...and 98 percent of the time, they totally rock...BUT, there are definitely times that i contemplate running away and joining a commune somewhere where kids don't have video games, and fashion accessories, and all the extras that WE JUST DON'T need.  *sigh* and as much fun as all that is, who really wants to hear about that....

deep breath...i guess that was my incoherent - i am overwhelmed,  but not, rant for the day... for now - i am gonna choose this.  here. now. 

my mantra has been for some time ~ my own self, at my very best, all the time....~ which comes from a place i hold very near and dear, which is probably a story for another day....but at any rate, i am gonna focus on being my own self...at my very best, and growing these little beans to do the same...and if that means that the snacks aren't cut in cute little shapes, and the outfits are all self chosen (which rocks) and i cant find time to join the pto, and I DON'T CARE IF EVERY OTHER KIDS MOM LETS THEM....then so freaking what?!?!!  

it's fall people.  and i choose,  here,  now. 

through the mosaic of fall trees and the gorgeous breeze , the taste on our tongues of fresh cider, and the hiking up of our sleeves and digging in to bask in falls goodz...i choose it all....chaos and all.  as always.  all the time.

what....do you choose....?

xo, *a

sometimes.....

sometimes - i love.  all of it.

sometimes - i don't understand how i could be so very blessed....and i wonder if i deserve all these goodz...

sometimes - i wish upon a star for the answers to questions floating around in my head....life questions peeps - real world questions - the kind that don't always have answers....

sometimes - i sit back and smile at all the goodness all around me - and i think my heart may burst....

sometimes - i love my little world so much that i can't breathe and i want to squeeze it so tight that it turns crazy colors and little stars fly all around...

sometimes - i am in awe of nature....all of it, and i have trouble putting one foot in front of the other because everywhere i look something is filling me with amazement and curiosity.

sometimes -  i feel like i am walking on air, and that there is a soundtrack for every moment of time that passes....

sometimes - i am mad to the core that i can't let my true authentic self climb out of her skin and rock and roll the way she wants to for fear of what comes with that....but then i wonder...if she is really wants to come out, or if she is pretty damn content takin' up space in my head....

sometimes - i am the best mama....who makes my beans world a far better place...

sometimes - i am a grouchy mama - who lacks the patience and understanding i SHOULD have because i get caught up in too many things that will pass if i just choose silence and LET THEM...

sometimes - i am cranky and pms filled and i yell and carry on about nothing in particular and everything in between - yes, like a 5 year old.

sometimes - i laugh....till i cry...and i smile till it hurts....

sometimes - i don't.

sometimes - i can't.....

sometimes - i am in go mode....and other times...i wait....and i am not good at that....

sometimes - i feel so filled full with life that i have no idea which end is up....

sometimes, i am alot of things...and sometimes....i am not....

i am not sometimes, but always,  as always...me.  and i am practicing owning that....*sigh*

 

wide open....

i am so embracing the fall goodness that is upon us right now....

i love nothing more than grabbing a sweatshirt any my comfy ratty jeans-ditching the deodorant - digging out my clogs, cranking up the tunage and basking in the fall.ish.ness all around us beans.  the days have been perfect and the nights of snuggling and extra blankets are upon us.  

i have to be wide open and honest, for the first time in a VERY long time, i was dreading falls arrival, as it meant the end of beach time, play time, sun kissed beans, natures grocer lunch daties everyday, free days and all night chill time, schedulessness (i know, not a word) and endless hours to read and soak up books and sand between my toes, and i could-just-go-on-forevah.....but as soon as fall peeked her gorgeous sun bleached locks out from behind summers' golden hazy hip shaken goodz, I.WAS.SOLD....

and it all came pouring back.  

so here we are...shaking OUR hips, spinning around,  and making our space in the goodz.  i went to the grocery store, and honestly couldnothelpmyself...i bought everything i could think of fall food....not even joking...in the next 24 hours, i plan to construct a new butternut squash recipe - mainly because i cant find my old recipe... - tuna casserole, chicken picatta, chile, and apple pies....i know - ri-dic-u-lous.  but i cant help it peeps.  - i am head over heels....AGAIN*  

not to worry....my love affair with summer - well, i will hold it near and dear - it was so filled with wonderful, with real talk stuff - (as my girl says)...and with embracing, balancing, sustaining, healing and FINALLY, growing, and i will welcome summer with open arms when she makes her way back to me...

but for now....all is just exactly where it belongs.  

so many fall kisses your way friends,  

*a

knee deep.

we are getting down and dirty here.  september is all up in our business - and we are pretty much diggin' it.  

school is underway.  the beans are immersed.  i am back at work, and not yet fully on board, but i will get there.

i had a fleeting moment this week, where i thought the little bean might cry as i dropped him at school for the first time...none of my beans have ever had separation anxiety from me...and well - this one didn't either - this is how he walked away...down the bridge, hands in the air - like, back off ma, i am fine.

(it's okay, because secretly i know he was totally breaking down inside.)

and this is why he pulls shit like this when he gets home.

no matter....i am all set.  gonna love it ALL.  EVERY day.  because i simply cannot come up with a reason not to.

xox.  *a

goodz n' such....

back on the bus y'all.  literally....i have been like the absent minded mama, and even the hubs jumped on board the other day to mention my utter lack of bloginess lately.

fact is, summer has been so stinkin' filled with goodz, that i have just kinda been holding it close to my heart.

we have had lovins all around, from friends and family to greens and sun.  and i am just so sad to see summer fading away.  

i.want.it.to.last.forevah!!!!

i am not ready for the sun kissed skin to disappear.....at all.

or the bold colors of summer and garden goodness to drift into the cooler air.....at all.

but the goodz of it all, is we love fall up in our faces just as much as summer, and i am pretty sure once i am knee deep in it, i will probably love it even more...cuz that is just the way we roll in these parts.

wishin'  you all buckets of sunshine.......xo, *a