*holy chaos*

eh.  summerness.is.kicking.my.fanny.

all is good, and chaos filled, and curious, and busy....but i cant post, because let me tell you that I HAVE SUMMER BRAIN.  holy crap.  i cannot barely put one foot in front of the other efficiently at this point.  it.is.ridiculous.

*i just spelled foot - fut.  seriously.  it's a mess.

we have been seriously chaos filled and crazy is coming out of our ears at this point...but i still freaking love summer...and the warm sun touching down on me and my babies....

me and the beans have a new practice of keeping a "goodz"  list....and it's that simple....keep the goodz out there in the open, and that way when shit gets nutty....the goodz are right there to snap yah back...

here's some of my goodz....

* we spent a week at the beach with the aunt and her amazing care-taking friends, and i feel like i have gained new extended family.  my aunt is battling cancer, and as i mentioned earlier - kicking ass and taking names...and yes, she is insane to let me and this crew chill at the cottage with her through this process, but it.was.amazing.  an experience that i feel so incredibly blessed to have been a part of.  these women just rocked my world.  the house functioned like a well oiled machine...(a slightly noisier one with my crew on board)  and we fell right into step...it was a really wonder-filled week....one that made me smile, cry, laugh, and remember that people are ahhmazzing....like REALLY amazing. we cannot wait to go back and do it all over again.

* artichokes.  my beans LOVE artichokes.  and i must say, that i think that they are one of the most amazing and beautiful things that exist in nature, and not to mention how the layers peel back to the heart which is protected by these prickly leaves....ugh, i know too deep for artichokes...but honest...i am in awe of artichokes...

*halloween recycling...benji is in a phase at this moment if sporting a costume just about everywhere he goes.  and i mostly let him, because it's sorta cute, and soon it won't be anymore, and i like how it makes people stop and smile - even if their in a rush around life...however, i had to draw the line during the heat wave last week when he was sporting a giraffe FLEECE costume and it was 101 degrees out, because i was actually concerned that somebody was going to call DCF.  but we compromised on a cape and goggles....life is good....someday, decisions will be far more difficult....right now, i dig.

*partying with good peeps.  we have been putting in some serious hang time here, and it is good.  i am tired, but i feel good, and whole, and happy to have relocated the fun piece again....

*ani difranco...because she's ani.  and i heart her and her truths.

*admitting that parenting is HARD.  and that there are plenty of moments here that i am not winning any awards...(like the moment yesterday that T wouldn't stop bugging her brothers while i was trying to take a shower - so i finally put her, fully clothed, in the shower with me - because if she couldn't behave, she had to go EVERYWHERE with me - which HORRIFIED her...)but that at the end of the day we all fall asleep with smiles glued to our faces...and heads dancing full of goodz.

*water.  my beans are having a crazy love affair with the water, that makes me too stinkin' happy.  lake, beach, pool....doesn't matter...they are like fish...and i LOVE that.

*my list is big....so i put that on the goodz list.  that there are so so many goodz....so many...

we wanna know whats on your goodz list people...speak up...shout it out...OWN IT!!  let's share...leave us a goodz...pretty please....

much love and chaos to you and yours...

xox,

*the beans. and me.

joy*

i have no idea how 20 days passes without a peep from my neck of the woods, because here it is so freaking loud you would simply not believe it. 

so to dish a bit....

hubs and i went away for a night last weekend, after an amazing prefathersdayfoodfestivusevening, to a wedding of some dear friends, and people, i swear to you, if i could put into words the amazingness of it, i would, but there is simply no way.  there was a vibe of love all around, a sing along that simply reminded me that joy is all around us, even in  the everyday....and that i couldn't imagine having been in a better place at that very moment even if i tried....being surrounded by old friends, reliving old memories and making new ones...it was just....well, i can't.  there is just no way to express...but i hearted every second of this weekend. all of it...

*and here*

we have been busy bees here, i am trying to minimize, organize, and make sense of all the chaos in our home,  i am a saver, and that is fine, but the clutter makes me a little crazy, and i have in my midst three tiny savers, which makes for alot of clutter.

so i have been taking on a job or two a day, and we are getting there.  we have a ways to go, but we will succeed at this.

*on summer*

the kidlets and i have wrapped up school, and we are kind of loving the ease of every day life with out the schedule.  nobody cranks at me in the morning about getting ready, and packing lunch, and and and. 

there will be the chaos of camps and lessons, and playdates, but for the next few days we are taking it slow, followed by a week of beach time, which makes the beans happy happy....and their mama of course....

hubs is taking a much deserved hiking trip...for SIX.  YES SIX days.  so i will be flying solo, and in an effort to make the very most of things, we will head to the shore for the down time and lovins we so look forward to all winter long.  i cannot wait to listen to the waves crash on the sand, feel the sun beating down on my skin, and watch the beans play in nature.  it makes me whole.  

*JOY*

so things are joy filled.  there is lots of love swirling all around, and reconnnecting, and dreaming.  all is good.  even the shit thats really BAD, is going pretty well right now, and i am not gonna question that....just gonna keep a smile on this face and keep hope in my heart....

on letting it be.

my list of to do's around this home, well, it's big.  super big.  but the thing is, sometimes i am so focused on the to do's,  that i miss out on the right nows.  i need to clean the floors, do the laundry, pick up pick up pick up....

on M's mothers day list of things his mama loves..."mommy's favorite activity....picking up the house."  UGH.  (especially since my house is almost always in disarray - even when it's at it's cleanest.)

people,  the right nows,  are so very much more important....

so, in an effort to focus on the right nows....

what we are loving up - RIGHT now...

*wet garden feet

*staying up late - (which leads to lots of unfun whininess during the day...)

*independence.  in some form or another - all five of us seem to be branching out and exploring our own selves....it's pretty neat.

*reconnecting with old and wonderful friends.

*plants....everywhere plants.  it rocks.

*big giant thunderstorminess in the middle of the night with lots of cuddling and chatting and awe of mother nature.

*the year winding down.  we. are. done.  we have totally maxed out on every activity, school thing, and program we are involved in, and we are ready to CHILL.

*anticipation of what's around every corner.

*working on a community garden at school for kids, with a dear friend, and our amazing husbands helping us every step of the way.

*an upcoming wedding of an old friend, and lots of hang time with a whole mess of friends that will be there....dreamy!

*picnics.

*a dinner date with my soul sister mama....which is much needed.

*letting go of the need to please.  it doesn't get me anywhere productive.  so i am embracing the fact that it is just going to be - whatever it will be - and that is the end of it. 

*the smell of tomato plant on my fingers after working in my garden.

*my garden....you knew that would be on here.

*a most favorite relative kicking CANCERS ASS.  cuz she rocks, and i knew she could do it. and i am so proud of her every day for finding the positive in every situation.  you rock lady.  and we love you so much.

*walks.  LONG walks with the beans.  counting "chit-muks" and looking for exciting things.

*content-ness.  yup....i said it.  being content, and happy.  i am ready to be in the NOW.  are you?

mama's day goodness....

there are no words to describe how much i love this little clan of mine.  they fill me up and make me whole.

sending mad lovins your way.

xo, *a 

*p.s.  you should look past how filthy the tv is..we spend a lot more time doling out the lovins than cleaning in these here parts.....

embracing change

i am making the changes friends, and it feels good. things are still tough, and it is still going to be a process, but after a lot of self searching the last couple weeks, i am ready to do this.

i woke up this morning feeling fresh. i am exhausted, but it feels good. last night was hard. like really hard. but it made room for me to do some of the growing i need to do. i woke up in a new place. i thought first of the good things, and my mood made a really amazing shift. my children made a shift too. as their little beings pick up so quickly on what is going on around them....

so in the spirit of change....

my goods for today.

:: teagan jade waking me up with a smile and the annual a.m. question, "can i wear a summer dress today..." (which is the same question every day....but today...i didn't roll my eyes...today i remembered i love that question and the big brown eyes behind it waiting for an answer)

::spring rain, with the new bedroom windows open. so i can hear it and smell it and see it...

::benji coming in my room to say, "thank you for Max back." (his monkey that i took away last night because he wouldn't go to sleep, that i gently placed back in his bed while he was sleeping...)

::making a love list with myles to fend off the grouchies at 8 am....and realizing that maybe i needed one too.

::that my friends and my family are amazing, and love us so much.

::that my family is respecting my choice not to talk about everything right now, and just knowing and trusting that i will come around.

::my hubs. no words. he is amazing. just amazing.

::the way benji says "fip-fops" (flip-flops) and "sheeeeese its..." (cheese it's)

::taking ownership.

::water. lots of water....

::how sore my muscles feel from running, because it reminds me that change is work.

::coffee.

::warm sun on your face

::my tattoo artist loving my new idea....

::books that take you away and make you not want to put them down, ever. with characters and words that wisk you away, if even for an afternoon.

::thinking about the good things - and finding me in there somewhere....

sometimes we all need a list...

and to take stock....

of what's always there....

that we some times get so caught up in, and miss, as it rolls on by....

what's on your list...what's making you tick...

*hug*

xo, *a

*blessed*

today i am taking stock.

i am looking around me, at all the goodness.  i have done some really wonderful reconnecting in the last day, with myself, my husband, whom i might add, is truly the most amazing man,  and some of the people in my life that i am so very blessed by.

i know that my statements yesterday sent some uneasy waves around my circle,  but it wasn't meant to be that way.  i am good.  i am okay.  i have had a tough couple weeks, but it is all part of the process of finding my way, and redefining myself a bit.  i am good.  i really am, and i am okay.  

the first step in this process is to make changes, and to refocus, and to remember that being a mama and a wife and a daughter and friend and a lover and an artist and such, is that these are only some of the things that define me.  they are huge things, but not the only things.  i got into a rut, and i am digging my way out.  i am remembering that me is a good thing to be, and that even though it is comfortable to hide behind my children, it is also empowering to stand up and walk proud as an individual as well....all while loving up my little commune of peeps around me.

i write to write,  and clear my head.  it's a freaking busy place lately...but it's a good place,  and just please know, that i am fine.  i am on a good path, and i am so excited to see where it leads.  

thank you to all who called and wrote, and sent emails, and who are part of my support circle, to have your support means so much.  you all rock my world daily, and are part of what make it such an amazing place to be.  i. am. blessed.  

*namaste*

xo, *a

    

life for reals....

after a few "gentle" reminders, it has come to my attention, that i have not been on this site for like ever. i know. it's lame. but i have been in a strange place these days....

not even one so much that i can elaborate on, but strange none-the-less.

i have some amazing people in my life, and i am so so blessed....they have totally stepped up and rocked my world, and are helping guide me through this weird space, so that i come out just exactly where i need to be.

i am making some changes, for starters, i am tuning in and logging off. facebook has taken over my life... as much as i hate to admit that and type those words....i have been spending far to much time socially "networking" and far too little time focusing on the real world that is moving and shaking all around me...

and i am running. like hell. in the right direction. i am channeling my energy in the RIGHT direction....which is SO important.

my girl nina came for a visit on earth day, and i have no idea for those amazing hours where my phone was. AND, i didn't care. it was a big deal....it is time to unplug...and revel in all the wonderful going on around me that is day to day, that i sometimes take for granted. the time is now peeps.

i also had an AMAZING chat with a very dear soul whom i simply adore, out ashville way, who opened my eyes, woke me up, and rocked my world...and most of all, reminded me that i am okay, and that i am going to BE okay. that i need to focus on me....so my friends, that is what i am going to do....

if i am a bit distant or in another headspace, i will come around....trust that what is meant to be -will be.

i will be HERE....NOW....

spring-ish-ness

life is funkish right now.

it's funky like people i love are going through tough times...people i so love and cherish are in limbo...limbo is a very very weird place to be.

it's funky like benji is totally trained but peed on the kitchen floor yesterday - not like had an accident, but funky like he dropped trough and peed on the JUST WASHED floor. - and then on the deck three more times - and.i.did.nothing.about.it...

*(i was coming up from taking some flower pics.... - he swore he didn't do anything as i snapped this pic...)

it's chaos like one minute i am so low down i can't see past my big toe, and the next benji and i are laughing so hard we are crying.....

it's chaos like i have to hide in the bathroom and LOCK the door if i need to have a phone conversation....yes, with water running to drone out the fussing...

it's funkish like i finally got the tattoo on my foot i have been dreaming about forever, and i so hearted the whole experience, and am still STARING at my foot because i still can't get passed that i actually DID it.  *and i wanna do it again....who AM i?? and how good did it feel to step out of my life for a few hours and hang out at tattoo studio....with adrenaline flowing and nobody talking about sports and clubs and report cards and and and...

there is SO MUCH good and so much CRAP flowing around these parts that i can't grasp just what it is supposed to mean....

it's insanity people. i am telling you.

life is just a little funkish right now people, and i do not know what to do about it.

i gotta tell you folks, it's tough to keep a blog when sometimes i can't get out of my own way....

*and the winner is.......

TANGERINE KITTY!!!

congrats dear one, we will be touch!

thanks to all who entered....

this was fun and i hope to do it again soon!

*alison

give-away*

hi folks...

i am in a FUNK.  it is time for spring, and even though i wake up on the snow dusted mornings and marvel at how pretty the trees look, and how peaceful the world appears with a fresh coat of snow on the ground - i am gonna be straight, the second i set foot outside in the cold - i am DONE.

i want to go outside.  i want to play outside.  i want to listen to the kids running around with fresh air infused cheeks, and hear the birds chirp.  i want to watch the garden grow and open my windows. 

this winter has been emotionally draining for many many reasons, and while we are still plugging away here, and not loosing sight of the big picture, and still lovin' up on each other every day....we are just ready for some *FRESH* air....

so, a dear friend asked me to participate in a give-away, and i was just tickled, as we will be giving away a a beautiful springy picture to refresh your soul, and a COZY short warm scarf to keep you warm while we are WAITING for spring to come....

so - want in?  here's what you need to do...leave a comment, telling us what get's you through the winter, and what you are most looking forward to about spring...

a winner will be randomly picked in one week!  good luck dearies....

xo, a

what's fillin' my bucket....

my bucket is full.

benji is three.

it's official.

he had a green birthday party.  

he asked everyone to wear green.

he was a total rockstar.

i swear i love him more every day.

the other beans rocked too.  

they wore green.

they played with friends...

it was a weekend full of wonderful.

of gram tap dancing in my kitchen with the girl.

which straight up filled my bucket all by itself.

of friends gathering with food and drink.

of giggles and happy shrieks all over the home....

of green snow flakes so fun i don't even want to take them down, and in fact, they will probably be up for the next several weeks...so what...

of play dough, and lots of it...

and benji.  it was a week full of benji being three....

i cannot even wrap my head around it....

but in a good way.

namsate.

xo, *a

dear mama nature....

dear mama nature...

oh how we adore you,

but i feel like you are toying with us.  it is soo soo cold here, but no snow.  none at all.  

so we are cooped up in the house with sniffling little noses and chapped red cheeks...

and cold feets and hands, 

*mother in laws b-day cake for tonight, and double layer double chocolate brownie cake with milk chocolate frosting....

lots of snuggles and cuddles and boogery smooching going on, don't get me wrong...

and for some reason these beans are always toasty warm.

and we are crafting, and baking, and cooking, and, and , and,

but when we look out the window we see bright inviting sun and blue skies...so we bundle up and head out side - and it is like insta-cold headache - what gives??

so i guess we will continue the homespun goodness...but we are a little stir crazy here - just sayin'.

*t's valentine lovebugs all set up to dry

* a sneak peek at my new coffee table project...

*little bean cozying up to the fire with his truck of the day

*handsome big man writing to the tooth goddess....

so, all in all, we are really good, but we were just thinking, if you could either send some snow our way, or else send us a quick nod that we can go unpack the flip flops, we would be pretty grateful.

much love,

*a

as if.

sometimes the little things are important.

like REALLY important.

to help you avoid the big things, that kinda SUCK.

xo, *a

197*

*happy january peeps.  

i am marveling in the quiet of this heavy snow, while the children buzz around behind me and make their plans to sled and play and roll all around in the dreaminess of it all.

vacation week has been full and quiet at the same time, with resting and playing and knitting and cooking and brunches and visits from friends near and far, broccoli and cheddar soups, and pink cupcakes and family gatherings, and boxes full of tissues and chapped little cheeks and boogery kisses...

we are ready for a fresh start and have made our "revolutions..."

and there is wonderous and wonderful and happy.  

i just can't even begin to explain the joy....

*little benji helped me shovel the driveway when hubs was at work, and i watched him with his little shovel, padding up and down the drive, making little observations about this and that,it seemed like the whole world was still all around us,  and i knew right then and there that this would be one of my forever memories of him, and that i needed to slow down and savor all of the everyday...not to get caught up in the task at hand, but rather in all the memories, joy, revelation and love that can come out of them...to LIVE....so i am resolving..

i am savoring the quiet moments in every nook and cranny of my day...

                                                       like, 

the steam off of the edge of my favorite mug....

the snow falling outside the windows and making neat little piles on the sills of our lives...

the little man playing trucks under the christmas tree...

the twinkle of  christmas lights at night as i turn lock up and head to bed....

m building legos by the fire....

t making her bed in the morning so everything is just so...

the intricacies of these beans loving each other when nobody is watching...

2010 is going to be about opening up and remembering to see the good in every situation...to not fret about all the daily troubles and to let go the aggravating and frustrating little things...to be welcoming and to create, to post, to breathe deep and have patience....to laugh, to love, to be....

we are going to BE.

what are you going to do....

namaste friends, 

and happy new beginning to you....

xo, 

*a

with love.

sending big love to you all this holiday season...

all while trying to exhale here and remember that there is no need to get caught up in madness and chaos and holiday frenzy-ishness....

it is about spending time with the ones you love, and having that big ole bucket filled right up with love...

it is about gingerbread houses and frosting messes

it is about sticky fingers squeezing your face

it is about late night chats by the fire with wine and cozy feet

it is about early morning snuggles

it is about vacation musings

it is about crafting

it is about sharing

it is about giving

it is about making memories

it is about loving all that is right there in front of you

it is about knowing what matters most

it is about lessons in letting go

it is about so many many things...


i know for all of us it is about something different...but for me it is JOY, and discovery, and excitement, and the love that dances in these beans eyes, and how that makes me remember all the goodness

namaste.
happiest of holidays to you friends...

with love,

me and hubs and the beans...

the unveiling...

okay peeps,
i know i have been sucking on the blog front lately - but we have been working VERY hard to get these children back into their own spaces and regain some sanity. we have about one more week or so till we get to move out of the playroom...meh, but i can deal, as long as these beans are back in their rooms....

but first a quick shout out about thanksgiving...i don't know if it was just me, but this year was my most favorite ever...it seemed like there was so much love, and completeness, and amazing food, and good wine, and, and, and....it was 3 days of kick ass good stuff...i have so many pics to share, but for now...











it was amazing. i felt rested and whole....

it's what i wait for all year long...and it was as perfect as i dreamed it would be....
it was everything i needed.



so, although i have so much more to add, i have relatives threatening to disown me if i don't blog soon...SO....

benji'r room:

still needs to be painted, as this was t's old color, but the little man stuck some car wall stickers up and was so freaking happy to have his own space. there is a car run out of sight, and he just lays on it and drives the cars around all afternoon....


M's big kid room. he hasn't come out for 2 days...no really, i actually have to drag him out to go to school and eat etc, as he is so busy "ORGANIZING" his stuff...there are a few more details in here that hubs is working on as i type, like trimming out one of the windows etc...





t's room....it's called gyspy pink - and it rocks her world, so i am totally on board...
she goes up to her room to play with her dolls and every time yells down the stairs "MOM, i am going UPSTAIRS to MY room to play with my dolls - don't worry, i won't make a mess..."




and this makes for a MUCH happier mum and dad....


will be back soon with a much more coherent post :)

hope you all are well and full swing into the holiday season...i am going to work on the holiday cards and watch for the 5-7 inches of snow headed our way...
*namaste*
xo, a